Poetic Profanity

The following is one of those posts that I wrote in the late hours of the night, and that I found amusing. Whether it will be amusing to other humans during normal waking hours, remains to be seen. . . .

For my entire elementary, middle school, and high school education, I attended a private fundamentalist Baptist Christian school. I have many fond memories of elementary school, but as I got older many of my memories are overshadowed with all the things I remembered we weren’t allowed to do. Such as, the girl’s weren’t allowed to wear pants (The boys never knew we had legs.), read Harry Potter (I’m actually pretty upset about this one; missing out on one of my generation’s greatest childhood loves.), wear black nail polish, get within six inches of boys, and listen to anything other then hymns or that which was approved by the great and mighty Bob Jones University. Six kids were expelled from the high school, my senior year, and during several chapel services, we were threatened with expulsion if we made a MySpace, or were caught doing the things most other teenagers were doing. The school’s authority portrayed themselves as an Illuminati type group who knew what you were doing, even in your dreams.

For most of my time in school, I was a straight-edge student who obeyed all the rules. Hindsight, I see how destructive this atmosphere was on my mental health, my spiritual life, and my personal development. I developed extreme anxiety and depression that almost cost me my life; I almost lost my faith, and I feel like the time needed for me to discover who I wanted to be, took longer than most. I will write more about this later, but for now, on a lighter note, because I was primed to be “above reproach,” during my time at Christian school, I came up with my own variety of Christian school profanity. My go to words were stink and stink-eth (I cussed like a good King James Version reading lassie.) As you can imagine, I was super cool in high school.*

Now I cuss like any normal person does, but on occasion when I’ve been a middle school camp counselor, or just wanting to be”extra cool” and “creative,” I’ve come up with substitute words for my cussing needs. Because it’s your lucky day, I’ve decided to share a list of cussing substitutes for you:

  • What the . . . pathetic pancakes . . .
  • What the . . . blazing bananas . . .
  • North Korea!
  • Tiny tigers!
  • Post-its!
  • What the flip-flap?
  • What the thumbtack?
  • Larry!
  • What the hemorrhaging/hopping hippos . . .
  • What the flip-flop?
  • What the flying flip-flop?
  • Peach!
  • Avocados!
  • What the where’s Waldo . . .
  • Oily onions!
  • What the tuna tanks?
  • Grocery stores!
  • Scones!

I have some great options for those who would like to stick with the classic cuss words, but want to spice up their cussing game, but I will leave that topic for another time.

* this is sarcasm



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