I wrote this a month ago as I sat out on the porch of a my friend’s house in the rural neighborhood of Sanger, California. It was here that I finally had a moment of quiet after weeks filled to the brim with business of work, dating, and time with friends. In this whirlwind, my writing had been put on the back-burner, and as I put my fingers to the keyboard in this quiet moment, I felt like I was bursting with creative energy that had been pent up for weeks and even months. My very soul seemed to ache. One of the hardest things about being a creative person, is finding the balance between living life as a healthy human, the required mundanities, and time spent creating.
My heart aches. The desire to write . . . To spill my heart out, to make sense of my feelings and wonder about life. I just want to write. I want to make sense of my life. I just want to feel one with the universal flow happening all around me. I want to understand, to know. It seems to me that I only know myself if I take this precious time away and disappear into my mind, my thoughts, my intuition, my essence. How else could I know what I know if I didn’t?
To stay in the hurried jagged movement of supposed-to’s, “responsibility,” and schedules, I feel trapped, like a lion in a cage. When did we decide this was going to be the way of approval? I yearn for moments like this . . . Sitting outside on a warm day, feeling the wind caress my face and the sweet perfume of blossoms washing over me . . . “wasting time.”
I breathe in deep and let it all go: my brokenness, my shame, my worry, and all the troubles of my mind.
In these moments, I feel whole. My Gemini tendencies seem to be united and I feel transcendent, eternal. If I believed in the cyclical reincarnation of lives, I would say, all my pasts, the present, and those still yet to live have come into alignment and I am the one soul floating in this timeless perfect place.
Creating, the releasing, sharing of the unique hidden treasures buried deep in the recesses of the soul, is an intense, spiritual and holy act brought forth through child-like playfulness and rebellious fire, insatiable joy and unbearable sorrow, brave curiosity and earned intellect and wisdom, blossoming love and violent hate; inspired by the mysterious current called inspiration.
Be brave and know the terror of becoming a naked soul to one’s own self, and to a humanity so detached from the spiritual and mysterious essence of the world; a cabalistic people who will worship you as a sage while they eat your bones.
Be brave and create; listen to the muse.
Be brave and create; know yourself and feel your entire being.
Be brave and create, and live fully awake.